Dilemma

"No matter what I do, all I think about is you. Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you". Ok, so neither of the boys that sat on either side of me at the bar last night was my boyfriend, but think about them a lot, I do. I spent at least a quarter of the time we were there staring at one of them and about half that time staring at the other. If anyone at that bar was observing me, they would have wondered. Let me tell you a little about each of them. I've had a crush on one Ethan for over a year. When I met him, he had a girlfriend so apart from one drunken kiss, nothing ever happened between us. I like him a whole lot and I think he’s simply Amazing. He is single now. I've been having a sexual relationship with Muktar for a few months now. I call him my personal temptation and he laughs about it. But he really is! I don't know what it is about him but I find him totally irresistible. So you may wonder what the big deal is, having a sexual relationship with a guy I'm attracted to. After all, I'm not in a relationship with Ethan. Thing is, I’m crazy about Ethan and would do almost anything to be with him. Being in a sort of relationship with someone else can’t help my cause can it? Plus I’ve got celibacy issues which I won’t talk about now. Simple solution one might think, just break it off with Muktar. But ah, it’s not that easy. The thing with Muktar is not just sex. I don’t know what it is but I do have feelings for him. Theoretically, if asked to make a choice, I’d choose Ethan. In reality, it’s not that easy. I’m a very confused young woman. I know what I want but I don’t know how to go after it. Don’t judge me please. The thing with Muktar is not just sex; otherwise I’d be slut wouldn’t I? I really like him. But I like him in a different way. I do realise that I’m going to have to stand firm on a decision soon. By the way, Ethan doesn’t know how I feel about him. Or so I think. We had dinner last week (just the two of us, shouldn’t that count as a date?). Before that day I hadn’t seen him in months. It felt so good to see him that I pitifully lost my coordination for a while. You know how it feels when you’re so aware of the person around you that you can barely comport yourself. I blamed that fact that it took some effort to lock my car door, as well as the time I nearly fell, on the long hard day at work that left me exhausted. There was no reason for him to think otherwise. Dinner was perfect. We talked, laughed, caught up a bit on what was going on in our lives (work wise, that is, as we left most all the personal stuff out). When we said goodnight he kissed me on both cheeks. I was a little disappointed. I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t even know he was single again then so what was I thinking? As we all sat at the bar that night and talked, laughed and down tequila shots, I wonder what those boys would have thought if they knew what was going through my mind.