Knitting for sex!

Whenever you give up something, you find that that’s when you start to crave it. The analogy a priest used to explain this to me was that of a person fasting. A person can sometimes go a whole day without eating because he or she is preoccupied with other matters. But when that person is fasting, the awareness of the need for food is not only constantly with him or her, but it may even be exaggerated. When a smoker gives up smoking, the craving starts, and hence the withdrawal symptoms. Taking a cue from Meredith Grey I decided to take up knitting to replace sex. Well, not really to replace it but to have something to channel my energy into. Other physical activities like swimming or running work too. Not too sure what it is I’m knitting yet. I’m thinking that as this is Christmas it would be nice if I could knit a sweater for a child. I’m not very fast at knitting though and Christmas is already upon us. Maybe I could work extra hard on the weekends. Fingers crossed!

To be or Not To Be Rejected

It’s been a few days since I stopped being a slave to lusts of the flesh. It doesn't change the fact that I miss Muktar. Like I said earlier, he is a nice guy and he was a part of my life. I haven't called him and he hasn't called me. Maintaining a friendship with him maybe a little difficult but as well as being a lover, he was also a friend and I miss that part about him. Last night I went out for a drink with Ethan. It was nice to have someone to talk to after a long hard day. I wonder what he would say if he could have read my mind. My friend, Austin, thinks I should tell Ethan how I feel. I think maybe I should, but I’m afraid. Austin says he doesn’t see what it is I’m afraid of. For a while I pretended it was nothing in particular but I think I’ve found the courage to admit to myself what it is. I’m afraid of rejection. Yes, rejection. I’ve been sheltered (and a little spoilt) most of my life. I haven’t had "no" said to me a lot. It’s almost a miracle that I grew up to be mature and responsible. This should give you an idea why I am afraid of rejection. But then isn't everyone?! Another friend of mine, Emeka, encouraged me to go ahead and declare my feelings. He told me that rejection would only make me strong and prepare me for true love. That may be true but where Ethan is concerned I’d rather not experience that. Anyhow, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ve really got nothing to loose, or have I? I do not have him right now so it’s not like I could loose him! My mind’s made up and I am going to “tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes”. Just kidding! But I think the song Tell Him by Celine Dion and Babara Streisand really puts my predicament in picture.

Realisation & Emancipation

“It is by resisting our passions that we are to find true peace of heart” – Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ. I’ve read that quote about six times now. I agree with it. I believe it. How do I practice it? No matter what a person has if he/she does not have peace, he/she has nothing. Everything we work for is so that ultimately, we can have peace in our lives. I have done a lot of soul searching (as much as one could do in a few hours) and this is what I’ve come up with; Muktar is not for me. Ethan may not be for me as well but I don’t know that. I find comfort in Muktar’s arms but I believe I’m searching for that comfort in the wrong place. I’m not going to get all religious right now but I have come to actually realise that what I see in Muktar is a sense of security which is temporary and false. Sorry Muktar I’m not dissing (is that how to spell the word?) you or anything like that. It’s just the truth. For me the guilt always comes after sex. Tonight, there was no guilt. What I felt was very different. It was a realisation. I felt emancipated in a way because even though the physical contact we had felt beautiful, I admitted to myself, for the first time, that I gained no real satisfaction from it. Men can have sex with someone they don’t even like. Some girls can do it too, but this is rare. I am a very girly girl so I need not tell you that I can’t. For a while I deceived myself that I could be sexually involved with someone without really being emotionally involved. I can’t. Tonight I realise what that thing, the thing about Muktar that made me like him but I couldn’t place my finger on, is. It is my heart gradually making space for him. Each time we had sex a tiny little piece of my heart was added to the reserve for him. This isn’t true emotion. This is compromised emotion clouded by physical attraction. This is not real. It is temporary and false and will leave a girl with a broken heart at the end of it all. Tonight I have been liberated (I hope and pray so). Tonight has nothing to do with Ethan. Tonight is all about my trying to understand my feelings. I believe every woman in my position should take some time out and reassess her situation. I know other women go through similar situations. Forget all men for a while and think about what’s best for you. It’s not easy – I know!

Dilemma

"No matter what I do, all I think about is you. Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you". Ok, so neither of the boys that sat on either side of me at the bar last night was my boyfriend, but think about them a lot, I do. I spent at least a quarter of the time we were there staring at one of them and about half that time staring at the other. If anyone at that bar was observing me, they would have wondered. Let me tell you a little about each of them. I've had a crush on one Ethan for over a year. When I met him, he had a girlfriend so apart from one drunken kiss, nothing ever happened between us. I like him a whole lot and I think he’s simply Amazing. He is single now. I've been having a sexual relationship with Muktar for a few months now. I call him my personal temptation and he laughs about it. But he really is! I don't know what it is about him but I find him totally irresistible. So you may wonder what the big deal is, having a sexual relationship with a guy I'm attracted to. After all, I'm not in a relationship with Ethan. Thing is, I’m crazy about Ethan and would do almost anything to be with him. Being in a sort of relationship with someone else can’t help my cause can it? Plus I’ve got celibacy issues which I won’t talk about now. Simple solution one might think, just break it off with Muktar. But ah, it’s not that easy. The thing with Muktar is not just sex. I don’t know what it is but I do have feelings for him. Theoretically, if asked to make a choice, I’d choose Ethan. In reality, it’s not that easy. I’m a very confused young woman. I know what I want but I don’t know how to go after it. Don’t judge me please. The thing with Muktar is not just sex; otherwise I’d be slut wouldn’t I? I really like him. But I like him in a different way. I do realise that I’m going to have to stand firm on a decision soon. By the way, Ethan doesn’t know how I feel about him. Or so I think. We had dinner last week (just the two of us, shouldn’t that count as a date?). Before that day I hadn’t seen him in months. It felt so good to see him that I pitifully lost my coordination for a while. You know how it feels when you’re so aware of the person around you that you can barely comport yourself. I blamed that fact that it took some effort to lock my car door, as well as the time I nearly fell, on the long hard day at work that left me exhausted. There was no reason for him to think otherwise. Dinner was perfect. We talked, laughed, caught up a bit on what was going on in our lives (work wise, that is, as we left most all the personal stuff out). When we said goodnight he kissed me on both cheeks. I was a little disappointed. I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t even know he was single again then so what was I thinking? As we all sat at the bar that night and talked, laughed and down tequila shots, I wonder what those boys would have thought if they knew what was going through my mind.

Bienvenue!!!

Welcome everyone to the first post of the Girl in Town. This blog is not a journal nor is it a summary of current global events. It isn't even about my thoughts and ideas. It is real life. Yes - real life! Kinda like a reality show. The difference is that the participants don't know that they are participants. Please note that this is not a gossip column. A lot of the stuff here are going to be from my point of view (as it's the only one I can see!). Consequently, I will be the number one participant. I'll be sharing my experiences with you and will be asking for your take on them. If you don't want to participate you could just read the blog for entertainment or education. I will be touching a lot of topics that affect single young females of today. Come share in the experiences of my friends and myself. I'm just another girl in town!