Realisation & Emancipation

“It is by resisting our passions that we are to find true peace of heart” – Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ. I’ve read that quote about six times now. I agree with it. I believe it. How do I practice it? No matter what a person has if he/she does not have peace, he/she has nothing. Everything we work for is so that ultimately, we can have peace in our lives. I have done a lot of soul searching (as much as one could do in a few hours) and this is what I’ve come up with; Muktar is not for me. Ethan may not be for me as well but I don’t know that. I find comfort in Muktar’s arms but I believe I’m searching for that comfort in the wrong place. I’m not going to get all religious right now but I have come to actually realise that what I see in Muktar is a sense of security which is temporary and false. Sorry Muktar I’m not dissing (is that how to spell the word?) you or anything like that. It’s just the truth. For me the guilt always comes after sex. Tonight, there was no guilt. What I felt was very different. It was a realisation. I felt emancipated in a way because even though the physical contact we had felt beautiful, I admitted to myself, for the first time, that I gained no real satisfaction from it. Men can have sex with someone they don’t even like. Some girls can do it too, but this is rare. I am a very girly girl so I need not tell you that I can’t. For a while I deceived myself that I could be sexually involved with someone without really being emotionally involved. I can’t. Tonight I realise what that thing, the thing about Muktar that made me like him but I couldn’t place my finger on, is. It is my heart gradually making space for him. Each time we had sex a tiny little piece of my heart was added to the reserve for him. This isn’t true emotion. This is compromised emotion clouded by physical attraction. This is not real. It is temporary and false and will leave a girl with a broken heart at the end of it all. Tonight I have been liberated (I hope and pray so). Tonight has nothing to do with Ethan. Tonight is all about my trying to understand my feelings. I believe every woman in my position should take some time out and reassess her situation. I know other women go through similar situations. Forget all men for a while and think about what’s best for you. It’s not easy – I know!