Knitting for sex!

Whenever you give up something, you find that that’s when you start to crave it. The analogy a priest used to explain this to me was that of a person fasting. A person can sometimes go a whole day without eating because he or she is preoccupied with other matters. But when that person is fasting, the awareness of the need for food is not only constantly with him or her, but it may even be exaggerated. When a smoker gives up smoking, the craving starts, and hence the withdrawal symptoms. Taking a cue from Meredith Grey I decided to take up knitting to replace sex. Well, not really to replace it but to have something to channel my energy into. Other physical activities like swimming or running work too. Not too sure what it is I’m knitting yet. I’m thinking that as this is Christmas it would be nice if I could knit a sweater for a child. I’m not very fast at knitting though and Christmas is already upon us. Maybe I could work extra hard on the weekends. Fingers crossed!

To be or Not To Be Rejected

It’s been a few days since I stopped being a slave to lusts of the flesh. It doesn't change the fact that I miss Muktar. Like I said earlier, he is a nice guy and he was a part of my life. I haven't called him and he hasn't called me. Maintaining a friendship with him maybe a little difficult but as well as being a lover, he was also a friend and I miss that part about him. Last night I went out for a drink with Ethan. It was nice to have someone to talk to after a long hard day. I wonder what he would say if he could have read my mind. My friend, Austin, thinks I should tell Ethan how I feel. I think maybe I should, but I’m afraid. Austin says he doesn’t see what it is I’m afraid of. For a while I pretended it was nothing in particular but I think I’ve found the courage to admit to myself what it is. I’m afraid of rejection. Yes, rejection. I’ve been sheltered (and a little spoilt) most of my life. I haven’t had "no" said to me a lot. It’s almost a miracle that I grew up to be mature and responsible. This should give you an idea why I am afraid of rejection. But then isn't everyone?! Another friend of mine, Emeka, encouraged me to go ahead and declare my feelings. He told me that rejection would only make me strong and prepare me for true love. That may be true but where Ethan is concerned I’d rather not experience that. Anyhow, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ve really got nothing to loose, or have I? I do not have him right now so it’s not like I could loose him! My mind’s made up and I am going to “tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes”. Just kidding! But I think the song Tell Him by Celine Dion and Babara Streisand really puts my predicament in picture.

Realisation & Emancipation

“It is by resisting our passions that we are to find true peace of heart” – Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ. I’ve read that quote about six times now. I agree with it. I believe it. How do I practice it? No matter what a person has if he/she does not have peace, he/she has nothing. Everything we work for is so that ultimately, we can have peace in our lives. I have done a lot of soul searching (as much as one could do in a few hours) and this is what I’ve come up with; Muktar is not for me. Ethan may not be for me as well but I don’t know that. I find comfort in Muktar’s arms but I believe I’m searching for that comfort in the wrong place. I’m not going to get all religious right now but I have come to actually realise that what I see in Muktar is a sense of security which is temporary and false. Sorry Muktar I’m not dissing (is that how to spell the word?) you or anything like that. It’s just the truth. For me the guilt always comes after sex. Tonight, there was no guilt. What I felt was very different. It was a realisation. I felt emancipated in a way because even though the physical contact we had felt beautiful, I admitted to myself, for the first time, that I gained no real satisfaction from it. Men can have sex with someone they don’t even like. Some girls can do it too, but this is rare. I am a very girly girl so I need not tell you that I can’t. For a while I deceived myself that I could be sexually involved with someone without really being emotionally involved. I can’t. Tonight I realise what that thing, the thing about Muktar that made me like him but I couldn’t place my finger on, is. It is my heart gradually making space for him. Each time we had sex a tiny little piece of my heart was added to the reserve for him. This isn’t true emotion. This is compromised emotion clouded by physical attraction. This is not real. It is temporary and false and will leave a girl with a broken heart at the end of it all. Tonight I have been liberated (I hope and pray so). Tonight has nothing to do with Ethan. Tonight is all about my trying to understand my feelings. I believe every woman in my position should take some time out and reassess her situation. I know other women go through similar situations. Forget all men for a while and think about what’s best for you. It’s not easy – I know!